Opinion, World

[Satire] Environmentalists Devising Next “Big Scare”

On Tuesday, environmentalists from the organization Showing Concern About Mother-earth (SCAM), held a summit in which concerns were raised about the waning effectiveness of the Global Warming and Climate Change agenda.

President and founder of SCAM, Tonja Esper-Raindrop, explained that the next crisis would have to incorporate all of the lessons learned in the past.

In an exclusive interview with Conservative Matrix, Esper-Raindrop elaborated on her organization’s mission so far as well as plans for the future,

“We started with a coming ice age and found out immediately that it was a mistake. We said that the increase of greenhouse gasses were going to cause the Earth to freeze. But our predictions were too far off. I mean, who really cares about a world-ending calamity that is going to be hitting in a couple thousand years?”

Esper-Raindrop sipped out of her Starbucks coffee cup from a paper straw as she continued,

“We then went back to the drawing board by screaming about the Ozone Layer. Who wouldn’t care that the Earth’s protective layer was being eaten away and something needed to be done? As it turns out, fewer than I would care to admit. Apparently, hair-spray is not an item that puts the fear of Gaia into people. We could not use the Ozone to turn people away from the evils of Capitalism.”

The interview was paused, momentarily as Esper-Raindrop was given a notification on her smart phone to approve of some auto-deliverable items from Amazon. She then continued,

“From there, we knew we needed something that sounded dangerous. Something with some edge. Something to make people afraid. We settled on acid rain.

Acid rain is going to destroy the planet by eating away at all the plant-life and humans will go extinct. Stop polluting the oceans and lakes or the world is over.

I liked this campaign, and it had some effect on the kids in school, but there was something missing. The danger was too isolated.”

Esper-Raindrop went on to explain that SCAM decided that they would need a much larger crisis to terrify everyone, from elementary school children to the elderly.

They settled in on Global Warming.

“We knew we had a hit. We could scare everyone into thinking the Earth was going to be over in ten years. Every bout of warm weather was proof that we were right. Every drought just made our case. But then the Earth stopped warming for about ten years during the early 2000’s, so we had to change the term to Climate Change.”

Esper-Raindrop then expressed her frustration about the declining interest in the Climate Change narrative.

“At first, everyone was on board. Ten years to live? You bet we’re going to act quickly. It was a masterpiece! But then ten years went by and nothing changed, and then we made it halfway through another ten year prediction and nothing’s changed. Now politicians like AOC are saying we have 12 years to live. People eventually wise up to the con and we have to come up with something different.”

Esper-Raindrop then pulled out a notebook with “Ideas” written in pink glitter ink on the front cover. Inside, she let me in on a few of the ideas that SCAM was currently working on.

“Here, we have an idea that Cyan Autumn-Bean came up with. It involves a potential alien invasion if all societies do not switch to renewable resources by 2040. It’s going to take some extra work on our part, but we think we can pull this off with some crop circles and a few corrupt politicians.”

She then flipped to another page where she described a possible imminent zombie apocalypse if America didn’t ban all plastic straws.

Esper-Raindrop also explained a possible political campaign that promises the emergence of a widespread bubonic plague if another Republican is elected to the White House.

“It’s a work in progress, but considering how successful we were with Climate Weirding, we think we have a shot at convincing the masses.”

 

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